Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Heartless Bitches of the World Unite!

Heartless Bitches International

Thank the Great Gourd in Halvah (of which I keep swearing I'm going to draw a picture, but, you know, stuff and things, things and stuff) for Heartless Bitches International, my dear and kick-ass friend Auntie Poontang for hipping me to the site via this awesome rant (PS. It's called "Just because I'm fat...", and if you know any Cro-Magnons who think fat women shouldn't have romantic standards, forward them a copy of this article posthaste, and buy me a pair of steel-toed shitkickers while you're at it), and our mutual friend DJP for introducing us in the first place. And through MySpace, no less! As my cousin put it, "Who cares if it's mostly torture porn?" Yes, even a broken clock is right twice a day. (MySpace, that is--not my cousin. Or DJP, or Auntie Poontang, or HBI. Or you. Or me!)

Anyhooligans, I've been lapping up the articles on HBI for nigh onto a month now--the Nice Guys? BLEAH! section is especially ambrosial, and should be required reading in every secondary school sex ed class, abstinence only or not--but I could never quite muster the clitoral strength necessary to apply for membership until Sunday night, when I finally said what the frig; I'm gonna do this. I'm sick and tired of trying to make sense out of nonsense; I'm sick and tired of having to defend myself to myself and others, and maybe, perhaps, if I type this shit up and sing a few choruses of "We're Not Gonna Take It" (the Twisted Sister version, although I reckon the one from The Who's Tommy will work just as well, if that is your preferred bag) and send it in, I might regain something resembling a sense of hope. So I typed, I sang, and I sent. (But not before reading my list of "What Makes Me a Heartless Bitch" to Auntie Poontang, whose resounding fight-the-power encouragement further egged me on.)

Fast-forward to Monday morning. I get to work, I open my eight million and one programs/browser windows/envelopes stuffed with receipts, and I check my email. And--what the fuuuuck? Holy painted cats! "Welcome to Heartless Bitches International!" Hot damn! And not only did they accept me as a member in a hot minute, they also singled me out for Exemplary Heartless Bitchitude! Now THAT is just ten thousand degrees of awesome.

And you know what else? I do feel hopeful, thank you. As I said in my application, I derive great spiritual solace from logic and reason, and it's a heady relief to find a refuge offering both in the middle of a shit lagoon of eHarmony, Zwinky and America is fast returning to its pre-Spanish/American war status, the zombie apocalypse is upon us, and in forty more years, all the phytoplankton will be dead and gone, giving us about fifty more years before we die out or escape en masse to Mars. But as long as there are Heartless Bitches among us, fighting the good fight, those of us who are incapable of not giving a shit can put away the cyanide.

Ah, yes: my entry. You can read it here. Click on the link your own damn self. I ain't your momma. As my Aries bosom friend/wife Ruth would scream, "Stop being such a goddamned LIBRA!"